rooted?

during the past week, we enjoyed several golden, peaceful late-september days when a chill lightens the air hinting at a new season. as i have become acquainted with the four seasons during the past 10 years, the first chill of autumn, although accompanied by these types of almost-perfect days, also unsettlingly reminds me that winter lies ahead, a season with which i am not friendly.

last sunday, the crisp, sunny air announced the change and transition that seem to be enveloping me once again. change is the strong wind that i cannot seem to resist every several years. and change is indeed some sort of wild thing - not something i seek - but something that blows in as a rainstorm, a clap of thunder, or a cold and silent snowfall.

i just gave notice that i will leave my job in about one month; i am leaving baltimore for some yet-undetermined place.

i have accomplished much in these last 3 years - all, really, that i came here to baltimore to accomplish - but this time has also been difficult. i have not felt my roots deepen in this place, i do not yearn to stay. i feel that my path lies somewhere out ahead.

but now that yet another leaving lies just around the corner, now that plane tickets have been purchased, now that my last day of work is just 8 day shifts and 3 night shifts away, i do feel the tug of even shallow roots that might have grown down into the alleys behind the rowhomes where i have lived, into the garden i tended this summer, into a workplace where i felt a part of a meaningful legacy of care for people living with HIV/AIDS. i also feel the tug of deeper roots touching people i love. i sit here on the porch of this cheerful second floor apartment i shared with my closest friend and sister this year, i live a short hour from steadfast college friends, just a four hour drive from a farm called wazoo. these are all people i would like to see often, people with whom i'd like to share daily mugs of tea and coffee with, people whose children i want to see grow and change and recognize me easily.

i have a friend who tried to live away from a place where she was deeply rooted. after college, she traded the kansas plains for the chicago lakeshore, gridded farm roads for rides on city buses and the el. unsettled, she soon moved back to the place of her childhood and once again lives solidly rooted to her mennonite community, her family, and her farmer-husband.

i do not have such a place or such a coherent community to return to. growing up, i knew no other home than nairobi. but all that that home meant to me is now scattered. east africa does indeed beckon me back. some of my roots will never be pulled from that place, but i am compelled in many directions... a bit of a tumbleweed i guess.

what is next?

a journey to see friends and family:
chicago---san francisco---vancouver---missoula---lawrence & newton kansas---san diego...

soul-searching---job-searching.

i'm not sure where this wind will take me. i feel excitement as it picks up, and a bit of a fright not knowing where i will land. i think, though, that the movement feels right.